December 2nd - February 19th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 48. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
The number 44 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. On Monday night you will dream of being Colin L. Powell. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug
July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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