Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th September 2011

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Carl Sagan driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Wednesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The color white will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 99, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. The number 97 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something involving the color black will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 32, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Charles Yeager will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.