Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th September 2011

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 49 feet, but no more than a mile. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. On Tuesday night you will dream of being Jimmy Conners. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Benny Goodman, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.