Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st October 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? A pretty young woman connected to the number 56 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Carl Sagan then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Tuesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th September 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 93 feet, but no more than a mile. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like C. S. Lewis. Does this matter? Only time will tell. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th September 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The number 36 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Marilyn Vos Savant driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Look yourself in the mirror on Thursday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th September 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. On Monday, the number 12 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 4 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 34, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Sunday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd August 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as George Washington and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Tuesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 53, the color black and someone who has a connection to John F. Kennedy, Jr. will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Tuesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.