Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 93 feet, but no more than a mile. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like C. S. Lewis. Does this matter? Only time will tell. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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