Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th December 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd December 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Mr. Rogers, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Monday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 70 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th December 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Tiger Woods and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Thomas Edison driving a black car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You will go to an auction on Wednesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Something about the number 37 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The number 81 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th December 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Danny Glover and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Saturday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A pretty young woman connected to the number 48 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Thursday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. On Wednesday night you will dream of being Fred Astaire. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 75 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Weird Al Yankovick, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Friday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd December 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Avoid the number 19 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. On Wednesday, the color pink, the number 51 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. In a parallel universe you were born as Colin L. Powell. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.