Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd December 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Mr. Rogers, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Monday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 70 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.