Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Tiger Woods and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Thomas Edison driving a black car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You will go to an auction on Wednesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something about the number 37 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The number 81 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
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