Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th December 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. On Thursday, the color black, the number 47 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. On Thursday, the number 27 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Avoid the number 88 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Try relaxing on Monday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.