Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th December 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A man connected with the number 16 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 39. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 53 feet, but no more than a mile. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.