Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th January 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Whoopi Goldberg, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Should you wear blue on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.