Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th January 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
The number 59 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Monday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Tom Cruise then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Avoid the number 13 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.