Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th October 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Spider Man driving a purple car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. The color black will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 5, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 35 feet, but no more than a mile. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.