Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th October 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Edgar Allen Poe, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Thursday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Elizabeth Dole. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. On Tuesday night you will dream of being Doris Day. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. In a parallel universe you were born as Michael J. Jordan. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Get the guys or girls around your place on Wednesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A man connected with the number 29 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.