Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th February 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Monday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. In a parallel universe you were born as Roy Rogers. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Andy Griffith a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.