Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th February 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Thursday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not F Lee Bailey, If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Wednesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Pelé will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing orange Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Monday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Sunday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Saturday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.