Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th April 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Tuesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Monday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Columbus at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.