Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th April 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Wednesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Jack Nicholson, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.