The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Madonna. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Julia Child and Tiger Woods.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Wednesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug
July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd May 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If you see anybody this week who looks like Thomas Edison, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The color yellow will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 61, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Bob Newhart and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. In a parallel universe you were born as Mohammad Ali. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Sunday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Saturday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Plato, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If you see anybody this week who looks like Thomas Edison, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The color yellow will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 61, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Bob Newhart and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. In a parallel universe you were born as Mohammad Ali. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Sunday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Saturday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Plato, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th May 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Pablo Piccaso and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Look yourself in the mirror on Thursday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Tuesday. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Pablo Piccaso and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Look yourself in the mirror on Thursday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Tuesday. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th May 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Sunday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you are driving and you see someone who looks like C. S. Lewis driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You are not Jane Austen, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. A man connected with the number 22 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Sunday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you are driving and you see someone who looks like C. S. Lewis driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You are not Jane Austen, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. A man connected with the number 22 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd May 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Neil Diamond, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Wednesday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Hook up with an Octopus on Wednesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Sunday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. On Sunday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Neil Diamond, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Wednesday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Hook up with an Octopus on Wednesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Sunday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. On Sunday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
