Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th April 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. On Monday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Alfred Hitchcock, The number 61 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Helen Keller then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th April 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

In a parallel universe you were born as Fred Astaire. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You are not Herman Cain, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. On Thursday, the color white, the number 57 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th April 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Charles Dickens, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

The number 66 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Mahatma Gandhi, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.