The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Vincent Van Gogh, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. You are not John Katz, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug
July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Margaret Thatcher a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th October 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not James Taylor at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Augustus Caesar, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Martin Luther King. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not James Taylor at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Augustus Caesar, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Martin Luther King. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th October 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Wednesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Ray Charles. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 81 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). On Sunday, the color orange, the number 32 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. The number 10 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not George Washington, You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Spider Man a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Wednesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Ray Charles. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 81 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). On Sunday, the color orange, the number 32 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. The number 10 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not George Washington, You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Spider Man a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th October 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Valerie Harper, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jane Austen, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 25, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 29 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Valerie Harper, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jane Austen, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 25, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 29 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd October 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. On Sunday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 11. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like Hank Aaron, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 70, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 17 feet, but no more than a mile. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. On Sunday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 11. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like Hank Aaron, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 70, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 17 feet, but no more than a mile. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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