Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd October 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. On Sunday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 11. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like Hank Aaron, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 70, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 17 feet, but no more than a mile. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.