Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th October 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Wednesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Ray Charles. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 81 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). On Sunday, the color orange, the number 32 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. The number 10 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not George Washington, You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Spider Man a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.