The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Thomas Edison and Tiger Woods.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You are not Alexander Graham Bell, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug
July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Tuesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st November 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Should you wear blue on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Thursday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Avoid the number 33 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A man connected with the number 24 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Beethoven at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing green. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The number 3 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Frank Lloyd Wright a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Should you wear blue on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Thursday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Avoid the number 33 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A man connected with the number 24 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Beethoven at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing green. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The number 3 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Frank Lloyd Wright a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th November 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as John Lennon and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. On Sunday, the number 20 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Tuesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Gandhi, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 59 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as John Lennon and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. On Sunday, the number 20 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Tuesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Gandhi, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 59 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
Sunday, November 6, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th November 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. On Monday, the color pink, the number 85 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Weird Al Yankovick, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. On Monday, the color pink, the number 85 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Weird Al Yankovick, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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