Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th November 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as John Lennon and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. On Sunday, the number 20 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Tuesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Gandhi, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 59 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.