Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th May 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You are not Sean Connery, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Should you wear blue on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Something involving the color black will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.