Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th May 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 70, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Weird Al Yankovick, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Thursday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Pablo Piccaso, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.