Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th August 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Should you wear white on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Monday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Gandhi driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.