Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th August 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. On Friday night you will dream of being Colin L. Powell. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. The number 33 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Pelé, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Alfred Hitchcock a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.