Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th October 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The number 66 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
You have dandruff, do something about it! If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Monday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.