Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd October 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Sunday who looks at all like Rick Perry, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Get out and enjoy life on Friday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. On Wednesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Elizabeth Taylor, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.