Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th February 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You are not Robin Williams, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 49 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.