Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th February 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Something about the number 1 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 80. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.