The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 91. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Avoid the number 59 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug
July 26th
Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. You have dandruff, do something about it! Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Valerie Harper driving a white car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th August 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Sunday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You have dandruff, do something about it!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The number 58 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Friday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 52 feet, but no more than a mile. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Sunday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You have dandruff, do something about it!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The number 58 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Friday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 52 feet, but no more than a mile. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
Sunday, August 12, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th August 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you see anybody this week who looks like Carrie Fisher, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like Herman Cain, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You will bump into a Mussel on Saturday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. A pretty young woman connected to the number 73 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you see anybody this week who looks like Carrie Fisher, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like Herman Cain, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You will bump into a Mussel on Saturday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. A pretty young woman connected to the number 73 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
Sunday, August 5, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th August 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Alfred Hitchcock. Does this matter? Only time will tell. The number 88 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Hold a dinner party on Saturday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Saturday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Paul McCartney in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Alfred Hitchcock. Does this matter? Only time will tell. The number 88 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Hold a dinner party on Saturday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Saturday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Paul McCartney in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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