Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th August 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Sunday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The number 58 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Friday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 52 feet, but no more than a mile. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.