The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Augustus Caesar, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Louis Pasteur in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Friday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. You have dandruff, do something about it!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid the number 67 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. When you and a Limpet get together on Tuesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
Monday, August 26, 2019
Sunday, August 18, 2019
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th August 2019
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Thursday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. The number 25 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Michael Landon, Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Thursday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. The number 25 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Michael Landon, Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
Monday, August 12, 2019
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th August 2019
The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Alexander Graham Bell, As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. On Sunday, the color purple, the number 43 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Phil Donahue, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 54 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why will the color blue be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Alexander Graham Bell, As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. On Sunday, the color purple, the number 43 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Phil Donahue, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 54 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why will the color blue be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Sunday, August 4, 2019
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th August 2019
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The Slug July 26th
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Should you wear green on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! In a parallel universe you were born as Mark Twain. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Sunday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 41. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not John Lennon, The number 47 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing orange. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
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