Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Should you wear green on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! In a parallel universe you were born as Mark Twain. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Sunday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 41. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not John Lennon, The number 47 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing orange. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
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