Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th August 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. The number 25 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Michael Landon, Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.