You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Mr. Rogers, Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Charles Everett Koop, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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