If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 89 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Saturday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
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