Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th December 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Thursday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The number 84 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Friday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st December 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 99. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something about the number 51 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Should you wear red on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th December 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 19, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Darth Vader, Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Sunday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like David Beckham. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Elizabeth Dole, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Something about the number 24 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Michael J. Fox a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.