You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 19, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Darth Vader, Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Sunday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like David Beckham. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Elizabeth Dole, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Something about the number 24 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Michael J. Fox a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
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