If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Thursday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The number 84 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Friday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
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