Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th July 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Whoopi Goldberg will shower you with unusual gifts on Monday. This will only happen though if you are wearing orange Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Thursday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. In a parallel universe you were born as Ross Perot. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. On Saturday night you will dream of being Walter Cronkite. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A man connected with the number 20 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th July 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th July 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Wednesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Something about the number 32 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. The color black will be very important to you this week. Especially on Monday, and when connected to the number 28, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th July 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Newt Gingrich and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Should you wear green on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Michael Landon, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Sunday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Try relaxing on Thursday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.