If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Newt Gingrich and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Should you wear green on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Michael Landon, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Sunday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Try relaxing on Thursday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
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