Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Whoopi Goldberg will shower you with unusual gifts on Monday. This will only happen though if you are wearing orange Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Thursday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. In a parallel universe you were born as Ross Perot. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. On Saturday night you will dream of being Walter Cronkite. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A man connected with the number 20 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
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