Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Wednesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. The number 72 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
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