Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
In a parallel universe you were born as Michele Pfeiffer. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. The color black will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 57, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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