Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th March 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 74 feet, but no more than a mile. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Look yourself in the mirror on Monday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 19. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Charles Dickens. Does this matter? Only time will tell. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. The number 51 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st March 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Monday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Bob Dylan driving a black car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th March 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 97 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dr. Seuss. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th March 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). On Friday, the color pink, the number 68 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. The number 65 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you see anybody this week who looks like Carl Sagan, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Dick Van Dyke at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Monday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Julia Child in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.