If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 74 feet, but no more than a mile. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Look yourself in the mirror on Monday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 19. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Charles Dickens. Does this matter? Only time will tell. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. The number 51 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
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